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Nice Towels from a Hotel

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Here’s a set of Rules and Regulations for guests who wish to stay at the Hotel Cleveland.

1. We welcome you to the Hotel Cleveland, the finest lodgings in a one- block area. Please steal our towels—we need the advertising. Oh, and don’t eat the chocolates on the pillows. They’ve been there for months.

2. Checkout time is whenever we feel like kicking you out. So keep your bags packed and ready to go.

3. Tipping is not only expected, but demanded. If you attempt to enter the room without tipping the bellhop, you may find your bed short-sheeted and your bags on their way to Pittsburgh.

4. Did you know that cockroaches are actually beneficial creatures? We have determined that 200 to 300 roaches can clean debris off a rug with more energy efficiency than a maid with a vacuum cleaner. Please be sure to turn on the light before walking around the room at night. We wouldn’t want you to squish any of our helpful little friends.

5. You are expected to bring your own sheets and pillowcases. The items on the bed are for display only. If used, you will be charged a small 200% fee, which will be added to your hotel bill. (Note: If you do use the display sheets and pillows, you are expected to wash them as well. Failure to do so will result in having a videotape of your activities in this room played in the lounge.)

6. George Washington slept here.

7. Do not attempt to adjust the thermostat. It is precisely tuned to match the outdoor temperature within a tolerance of 5 degrees. If you even touch the dial, the heat will either go up to 104 degrees or down to 32 degrees, depending on the season, of course.

8. The fuzzy balls under the bed are supposed to move!

9. The Management is not responsible. For anything. Period.

10. Please note that the small hole in the bathroom wall is designed to maximize ventilation. Do not cover this hole, as it will block our view.

11. We have designed the bathroom sink to help you sleep, with its soothing, metronome-like dripping sound. Enjoy.

12. Don’t look under the couch.

13. Bringing pets into this room is strictly prohibited. Cats and dogs have been known to eat the mice that live here.

14. Don’t eat the fuzzy grapes.

15. We recommend that you do not stick your head out the window. You may be struck by falling guests.

16. The famous carpet layers Al Frank and Isabelle Stein laid the carpet in your room. We are proud to be a showcase for Frank-N-Stein Carpets.

17. For a small fee, a tape of George Washington’s activities in this room is available for your viewing pleasure in the lounge. Wait till you see what happens when he takes out those false teeth!

18. Don’t spill wine on the carpet. Failure to abide by this rule will result in the immediate revocation of your passport and citizenship, and you will be required to paint yourself blue. Then Frank-N-Stein will get you.

19. The kitchen is for appearances only. Do not attempt to cook anything as this will result in another fire.

20. Do not attempt to test whether the light in the refrigerator goes out when you close the door by climbing inside. We have left the last guest in there as a reminder. Complimentary beverages may be found in the crisper since space is limited.

We hope you enjoy your stay in our hotel. Now give us your money. All of it. Nobody moves and nobody gets hurt. Have a nice day!

I have been to nice hotels and I have been to really bad ones.

How long will it take them to understand that customers today are so empowered that they can break you or make you and that’s why they deserve the best?

Basic things matter. Clean rooms. Courteous staff. Reasonable rates. A good breakfast. Clean cups.

Nobody wants average. Everybody wants excellence.

It is the least we can do for those who give us their business.

After all, it’s just the application of the Bible rule that says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Print ed: 11/13


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